Accepting Your Partner
By Dr. Randi Fredricks, Ph.D.
What sets the a happy and caring couple apart from others? Most couples begin their relationship with a variety of shared, positive
experiences based on their mutual attraction and emerging love.
One difference, however, is that happy couples - that is, those in which the partners extend unconditional respect and consideration
to one another - have often witnessed other positive relationships while growing up. Their expectations and practical skills
support their ability to acknowledge and accept their partner, which may not be the case in relationships that deteriorate over
time. Partners who have not had the advantage of witnessing such a relationship also can develop affirming attitudes through
the practice of mutual respect.
The couple that lasts emerges from the blissful, honeymoon phase of their marriage with an awareness of both their similarities
and differences. Rather than fearing their differences, they accept them and are even stimulated by them. Differences that
are threatening are acknowledged and discussed, leading to growth in the deep friendship that underlies their union. They
begin to recognize what aspects of their pre-relationship life no longer fit for them in this new relationship and make choices
of what to maintain and what to discard. Many see the opportunity for ongoing personal and relationship renewal, and grow in
their devotion to the relationship.
Caring couples look for ways to understand, support, and share affection. Threatening events, circumstances, and behaviors
are not sidestepped; instead, they are seen as opportunities to learn something about their partner and about their relationship.
The partners continually build their knowledge of each other’s needs, dreams, and fears, are assertive with and receptive to each
other, and thoughtful and creative about their dilemmas. As the relationship grows, the partners become aware that they are
creating something new and enduring.
When disagreements appear, caring couples approach their differences by:
Attempting repair. They look for opportunities to mend the relationship, to clarify their dilemmas and differences, and
to make their conflicts mutual ones.
Softening criticism. They find a way to express their concerns without blaming or nagging, but as a means of clarifying
and solving their mutual problems.
Self-soothing. Each partner has a way to reduce the physical and emotional arousal that emerges when they are threatened
by their differences.
Accepting each other’s influence. They are disposed to listening to and understanding their partner’s point of view and
allow this to affect how they approach the disagreement.
Through dialogue, each partner works to discover the yearnings of the other. In this way, they come to understand where their
partner is coming from. By listening to each other’s point of view, they are able to discover a middle ground that
represents an option they both can live with.
References (To view, roll mouse over the "References" heading; to hide, click on the heading)
Gottman, J. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.
Real, T. (2002). How can I get through to you? Connecting men and women. New York: Scribner.
San Jose Therapy Counseling Psychotherapy psychotherapist therapist
