Often the undeniable fact that an adoptee does not resemble other family members stimulates intense feelings of isolation. In most families, even when a child does not look like his or her parents, there is usually someone else to point to-Aunt Mary, Grandpa John, etc.-to make the comparison. Adopted children may feel particularly or overly sensitive about the fact that they do not resemble other family members and believe that their parents have settled for second best. No amount of reassuring can diminish what adopted persons perceive as a stunning difference (between themselves and other family members). They may develop fantasies, both positive and negative, about their birth family, and it often hampers their ability to move on with their lives.

Adoptive parents discuss adoption with their children in different ways. Some parents can talk easily about the subject and encourage their children to ask questions and share their feelings. Others, often because of their own insecurities about their right to be parents, say little about adoption, or even say negative things about a child's birth parents. In these situations, children may feel that there must be something shameful about their past and, thus, begin to feel shameful about themselves. As adults, these individuals may feel they do not have permission to grieve the loss they feel from not growing up with their biological families.

Some adoptees grow up to fear rejection, have trouble making commitments, and avoid intimacy. Intimate relationships, in fact, can be quite difficult for some men and women who have been adopted. Fears about abandonment and low self-esteem often lead them to sabotage their relationships. They may perceive this as the only way to insulate themselves from being abandoned again.

Some adoptees feel that being vulnerable is just too risky. They fear that a person they invest in will leave them-just like their birth parents did. It causes them to be wary of how close they can get to people.Some adoptees avoid intimacy because they are uncomfortable with the openness and vulnerability that such relationships entail. Other adoptees may thwart their intimate relationships by being too clingy. For example, Steve Harris admits, "As a child, This is not to say that all adoptees have problems with feelings of abandonment in their intimate relationships. However, many come to understand that they have an additional sensitivity to the issue.

For adoptees, adoption brings with it certain core issues. As adopted children grow into adulthood, they carry their thoughts and feelings about being adopted with them. Adult adoptees may have no, some, or great difficulty dealing with these thoughts and feelings. Some will struggle with the added dynamic that adoption brings to their life, and for others there will be little or no struggle.

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