Helping a Child Cope With Death
By Dr. Randi Fredricks, Ph.D.
Grief is always hard with the passing of a loved one, and even if there is preparation, the loss is heartfelt. This process can be
difficult for a child without care and support.
Coping with the death of a parent or guardian in childhood will vary depending on the age of the child and the nature of the
relationship.
While all children will experience different types of loss and separation, infants and toddlers are in a unique stage of life where a
permanent and abrupt separation with a parent has the potential to interfere with forming other interpersonal attachments. Distress
can manifest in disrupted sleep, eating, and toileting patterns. Additionally, for young children do not
yet possess language skills, they rely on direct care, hugging and holding to provide nurturing and a sense of security.
In these early stages, they may first be inconsolable until adjustments are accommodated.
Preschool children tend to have sufficient cognitive capacity to understand someone isn’t coming back in much the same way they
can relate to the loss of a ball or toy.
Similar to infants and toddlers, they may have disrupted sleep, eating, and toileting patterns.
Because they have language capability, they can be soothed by care and love, as well as by talking
with them about loss and grief. At this age, they often relate to grief through play, particularly expressive
art and puppet play.
School-age children are apt to their express sadness as anger. Therefore it is important for parents and other family members
to accept the anger as an expression of grief and not to take their anger personally.
Rather than telling a child not to be angry, it can help to encourage the child to express their upset though other channels, such as.
art, play, and talking. Now that the child has language and in view of the survivors’ upset for the
child’s distress, it is important not to cut a child off from talking, but to listen with a gentle ear. The difficult
task for the survivors is to allow the children to vent and express themselves, yet protect them from straying to
dangerous or risky behavior in view of their anger.
Teenagers will likely find comfort in their peers as much as immediate family. In some instances, they may stray
from family, upset by the loss and aware of the distress of other survivors. They may seek to protect loved ones
from witnessing or being subject to their own distress. It is important for survivors to track their teens,
to be aware of their whereabouts and grief reaction. Permission must be granted to grieve openly in the context of the
surviving family members.
As much as coping with the death of a parent will depend on the age of the child, the quality and nature of the
parent-child relationship will also factor into the grief response. Also to be factored in is the gender of the child
and lost parent, not to mention if the parents were separated or together at the time of one’s passing.
If there are any guidelines to remember, it is to respect the fact that every child’s grief reaction will be different
for all the factors listed. As such, survivors must stay close and attune themselves to the child’s emotional response,
allow the child to vent constructively and be there to restore structure and routine, key factors in facilitating
adaptation.
Lastly, if you as survivor are having difficulty coping, consider getting help from a qualified counselor.
You can only be as available to the child as you
manage your own grief.
References (To view, roll mouse over the "References" heading; to hide, click on the heading)
Brent, D., Melhem, N., Donohoe, M. B., & Walker M. (2009). The incidence and course of depression in bereaved youth 21 months after the loss of a parent
to suicide, accident, or sudden natural death. American Journal of Psychiatry, 166(7), 786-794.
McClatchy, I. S., Vonk, M. E., & Palardy, G. (2009). The prevalence of childhood traumatic grief--a comparison of violent/sudden and expected loss.
Omega (Westport), 59(4), 305-323.
Nader, K. (2007). Understanding and assessing trauma in children and adolescents measures, methods, and youth in context. New York: Routledge.
Persson, T. J., & Rousseau, C. (2009). School-based interventions for minors in war-exposed countries: A review of targeted and general programmes.
Torture, 19(2), 88-101.
Shelby, J., Mazure, C., & Prigerson, H. (2000). Diagnostic Criteria for Traumatic Grief. Death Studies, 24, 185-199.
San Jose Therapy Counseling Psychotherapy psychotherapist therapist
