Sometimes codependents have relationships with partners who are not addicts or alcoholics. How does this happen?
Generally speaking, the codependent has grown up in a home with some form of dysfunction or addiction. They grow up and
meet someone who is not an addict or alcoholic and they get married to enter a committed relationship. Herein lies
the problem because codependency is a disease of relationships.
We are born into relationship and we live in relationships. We are created for “relationship living” and not for
“isolated living.” We live as husbands, wives, children, grand children, grand parents, nieces, nephews and friends
in relationships.
In relationships we learn to live, survive, grow, learn, love, hate, succeed or fail. If the
supportive relationships have good boundaries, then people are able to work and live as healthy individuals. For
optimal functioning, the family system must be able to organize itself into subsystems with appropriate boundaries
for carrying out the daily tasks for survival and growth.
Codependency happens when the supportive role becomes addictive. Then people do the wrong thing believing
that they do the right thing. Instead of acting when faced with problems, the codependent “reacts,” leading
to anger, depression and self-destructive behaviors. You live as a co-dependent when you are over-concerned
of taking care of someone at the expense of your own physical, emotional and spiritual well being. You
subject yourself to denial, anger and lack of trust. You are a codependent if you are chemically dependent,
or live in relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict.
When the caretaker becomes a victim, and live in relationships that promote self-hate and low self-worth, and
live with heavy load of guilt, it becomes co-dependent living. If one spouse is an alcoholic, the other
becomes an enabler, rescuer and care taker. The problem of one spouse becomes the problem of the other. The
spouse of an alcoholic believes that the alcoholic is not capable of taking care of himself or herself, and
therefore the person has to be rescued and cared for.
The non-alcoholic spouse anticipates the needs of the
alcoholic, and takes care of the responsibilities for the other. In so doing, their own needs are not cared
for, and they feel deprived and angry. Not only the alcoholic is a victim, the rescuer also becomes a victim
of his or her own behavior, resulting in self-pity and feeling of hopelessness. Alcoholism or any other
compulsive disorders demand your life to be around them with the result, both parties become victims.
Anger and emotional cut off happen when the person is not allowed and encouraged to take responsibility.
If you are in a codependent relationship with people of compulsive disorder, such as drug addict,
alcoholic, sex offender, gambler and so on, you never know what to expect each day. You may continue
to hide your feelings because you do not want to confront the conflicts that may arise.
There is a sharp difference between beneficial care taking and destructive care taking. Our job in a healthy
relationship is to help the person to get well, and not stay dysfunctional if the disability is manageable
through necessary interventions. In any case, we do care out of love, which gives us the desire and the
willingness to go an extra mile when necessary. But if it makes you angry, frustrated and feel used,
it is a good idea to look for other alternatives.
Whatever level you are in a relationship, if you feel
happy about it in your guts, which is all right. The source of happiness is in you, not in others. The fact
is that relationships do not have the clarity we are looking for. Clear boundary is difficult to find in
real life. The border between love and hate, care and neglect are very unclear. Therefore choose
“appropriate workable boundaries” creating an atmosphere of healthy relationships.
