One of the most difficult tasks in the process of separation and divorce is explaining to the children why Mommy or Daddy
is
leaving. The manner in which you undertake the explanation will differ, depending upon the age(s) of the children.
However, the general guidelines below may assist with this step. Modify the guidelines depending upon your unique
family circumstance.
Children are neither totally fragile, nor absolutely resilient. Most children want and need contact with both parents.
When parents separate, children generally live with one parent and continue to have contact with their other parent on
a regular basis. While the vast majority of children of separated parents live with their mother, this is not always the
case. It is rare for the courts to deny a parent contact with their children, even when violence or abuse has occurred.
Instead, supervised contact may be granted so that a relationship can be maintained in a safer environment.
It's generally a good idea to:
- Try to set aside your anger before you speak to your children. Your anger, rage is completely normal. However, while it's okay and understandable for your children to see you express your sadness (if it happens) on the odd occasion following the separation, it's NOT okay for your children to see you express your rage at your former partner. Make a commitment to shield your children from parental conflict. Even if the other parent does not keep their commitment, continue your own commitment.
- If possible, tell children together when the decision has been made. If this isn't viable, pick an appropriate time and place to tell your children. If there is a wide range in children's ages, it may be helpful later to talk to each one separately after the initial announcement to give more or less information according to age.
- Make it clear to the children that the decision has nothing to do with them, and that they are loved unconditionally and will always be a priority in your heart.
- Don't overload the children with information that is too advanced, for example, they don't need to know the details of your former partner's infidelity.
- Let the children know gently that they cannot fix it or get you back together.
- Understand that your children will experience feelings of hurt and anger, and that together, all of you will have to simply work through this, the best you can.
- Try to maintain life "as normal as possible"; in other words, make as little change in your child's life as possible. Of course, you may have to make changes due to financial circumstance. Despite this, try to maintain a schedule similar to that pre-separation, etc.
- Let the children know that their father is going to remain in their life. Hopefully, the separation is amicable vis a vis the children, and their father will welcome a telephone call from them when they wish to speak with him, etc. Alternatively, explain to them that they will see their father soon, at the scheduled contact date and time.
Here's an example of how to tell a child:
The parent who is leaving may something like: "I am going to move to a new place on Monday. You are going to stay here and
live with (ie. Mommy) and keep going to the same school and be with all your friends. When I get all my stuff moved in,
you can come and see my new house because sometimes you will be able to stay with me overnight. You will have a
place to sleep at my house too because I will always be your Mommy/Daddy.
We have arranged right now for you to live here, but to visit (Mommy/Daddy) every weekend. You can also stay
at my house overnight on weeknights. You can talk with me on the phone any night if
you want.
We will always love you and will always take care of you!
Ending a relationship can be stressful and confusing for everyone, particularly when children are involved.
Decisions will need to be made, and arrangements put into place.
One of your first considerations will be your children, and you'll feel stronger and more in control of the situation
if you have the information you need on your options and legal rights.
Randi Fredricks
has a Doctorate in Naturopathy and a Masters in Psychology. She runs her own natural health business,
All Things Well,
and counsels clients at her office in San Jose, California. You can reach her at 800-957-5655 or
contact her online. This article is taken partially or in whole from Randi Fredricks' book
Healing & Wholeness: Complementary and Alternative Therapies for
Mental Health. Copyright © 2008. All rights reserved.
No part of this article may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems.
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