The Pitfalls of Dating After Divorce
By Dr. Randi Fredricks, Ph.D.
If you thought dating was difficult before you got married, it doesn’t get any easier after divorce. Everyone has baggage, but divorced people often tend to carry more of it, especially when they’re just returning to the dating scene.
Additionally, divorced people are out of practice when it comes to dating, so it can be challenging even for the most social of creatures.
Often, people coming out of divorce are either too hesitant or too quick to start dating again. If your ex-spouse was the one who decided to leave the marriage, you may find yourself dealing with an extra dose of insecurity. On the other hand, if you left your spouse emotionally some time ago or find yourself uncomfortable being single again, you may be tempted to begin dating too soon — even before your divorce is final.
As a rule of thumb, it’s best to wait at least six months before dating again. That allows you time to deal with the complex emotional and legal issues of divorce and to grieve the loss of one relationship before starting another. It also gives you time to reassess where you are in your life, what went wrong in your marriage relationship and what you want out of future relationships.
If you begin dating and find that you are depending on that other person to make you feel better about yourself and less lonely and are waiting by the phone every night for him or her to call, those are indicators you may need more time to become emotionally stronger before becoming involved with someone again.
When you do start dating again, heeding this advice could help avoid common pitfalls:
Take it slowly and pace yourself. It can be easy to slip into an exclusive relationship right away, but it’s best to make sure you have many social connections outside the person you’re dating.
Accept that you may be hurt again. n Resist becoming sexual too soon. When you do become intimate, be smart about it and practice safe sex. If you were married for a long time, you’ll find safe sex a much bigger issue now than before marriage.
Be careful not to transfer issues from the marriage to your new dating companion. If your spouse was unfaithful, don’t bring that distrust to the current relationship (without good reason).
If you have children, take everything even more slowly. Wait longer to begin dating and when you do, don’t introduce casual dates to your children.
Many people find it helpful to participate in divorce support groups, since people there are going through (or have gone through) many of the same issues you’re experiencing.
Also, check out some books on the grief process as it relates to divorce. “Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends” by Bruce Fisher has proven helpful to many people as they rebuild their lives after divorce.
Finally, remember that in many ways dating after divorce can be part of the healing process. Having a successful date (or two or three or four) can help you affirm your positive qualities, demonstrate you can have fun again and assure you that other people still find you attractive in a number of ways. In the end, that’s a wonderful way to overcome the loss of a failed marriage.
References (To view, roll mouse over the "References" heading; to hide, click on the heading)
Brimhall, A., Wampler, K., & Kimball, T. (2007). Learning from the past, altering the future:
A tentative theory of the effect of past relationships on couples who remarry. Fam Process, 47(3), 373-387.
Emas, G. (2009). Back on top: Fearless dating after divorce. New York: GPP Life.
Ford, D. (2006). Spiritual divorce: Divorce as a catalyst for an extraordinary life. New York: Harper One.
Shortt, J. W., Capaldi, D. M., Kim, H. K., & Owen, L. D. (2006). Relationship separation for young, at-risk couples: Prediction from dyadic aggression. J Fam Psychol, 20(4), 624-631.
Spielmann, S. S., Macdonald, G., & Wilson, A.E. (2009). On the rebound: Focusing on someone new helps anxiously attached individuals let go of ex-partners. Pers Soc Psychol Bull, 35(10), 1382-1394.
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