An interpersonal conflict exists whenever an action by one person prevents, obstructs, or interferes with the actions of
another person.
The guideline for communicating anger constructively is to focus the anger on the issues and the
impact of the other person’s behavior, not on the other person’s character or personality. However, people do not
always know how to resolve conflict effectively (assertively). Below is information on the differences between
assertive, aggressive, and passive communication.
Assertiveness
Assertiveness involves standing up for one’s rights, and expressing ones’ thoughts and feelings in direct, honest and
appropriate ways which do not violate another person’s rights. Acting assertively involves being considerate of others’
feelings without letting others take advantage. Assertive behavior increases the likelihood of getting what you want
without feeling guilty, and usually without the other person getting mad (the person may not like what you say, but the
relationship will continue). Assertion involves respect for yourself and for the other person (although not necessarily
for their behavior), not deference, domination, or degradation. Assertion is different than always saying
everything you think and feel it involves you making the choice of what to say or not say (you can choose to say nothing
and still be assertive). Assertiveness promotes equality in relationships.
Aggressiveness
Aggressiveness involves standing up for your rights in a way that violates the rights of the other person. The usual
goal is domination--forcing the other person to give in. Aggressive tactics include humiliating, accusing, threatening,
belittling, and intimidating. A person who acts aggressively may get their way, but usually at the expense of their
relationship with the other person. People do not push aggressive people around, but people also do not want to be
around them. Aggressive behavior conveys messages such as: This is what I think and you are stupid for thinking
differently, or This is what I want/feel, and what you feel/want is not important.
Passivity
Passivity involves letting others push you around, not standing up for your own thoughts and feelings, letting someone
else choose for you/control you. Acting passively involves violating your own rights by not expressing yourself honestly,
or by expressing yourself in such an apologetic manner that others can easily disregard your thoughts and feelings.
By acting passively you may rarely experience direct rejection, but you may be taken advantage of–-and you may build
up anger that can come up indirectly or against yourself. Passive behavior also includes times when you automatically
disagree with someone even if you actually do agree. Passive behavior conveys messages such as: “I am not respecting
my own needs”, “I don’t count”, or “My thoughts and feelings do not matter”.
Building up skills in identifying and managing one’s own anger is an important component of conflict resolution.
Randi Fredricks
has a Doctorate in Naturopathy and a Masters in Psychology. She runs her own natural health business,
All Things Well,
and counsels clients at her office in San Jose, California. You can reach her at 800-957-5655 or
contact her online. This article may be taken partially or in whole from Randi Fredricks' book
Healing & Wholeness: Complementary and Alternative Therapies for
Mental Health. Copyright © 2008. All rights reserved.
No part of this article may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems.
|