The guideline for communicating anger constructively is to focus the anger on the issues and the impact of the other person’s behavior, not on the other person’s character or personality. However, people do not always know how to resolve conflict effectively (assertively). Below is information on the differences between assertive, aggressive, and passive communication.

Assertiveness
Assertiveness involves standing up for one’s rights, and expressing ones’ thoughts and feelings in direct, honest and appropriate ways which do not violate another person’s rights. Acting assertively involves being considerate of others’ feelings without letting others take advantage. Assertive behavior increases the likelihood of getting what you want without feeling guilty, and usually without the other person getting mad (the person may not like what you say, but the relationship will continue). Assertion involves respect for yourself and for the other person (although not necessarily for their behavior), not deference, domination, or degradation. Assertion is different than always saying everything you think and feel it involves you making the choice of what to say or not say (you can choose to say nothing and still be assertive). Assertiveness promotes equality in relationships.

Aggressiveness
Aggressiveness involves standing up for your rights in a way that violates the rights of the other person. The usual goal is domination--forcing the other person to give in. Aggressive tactics include humiliating, accusing, threatening, belittling, and intimidating. A person who acts aggressively may get their way, but usually at the expense of their relationship with the other person. People do not push aggressive people around, but people also do not want to be around them. Aggressive behavior conveys messages such as: This is what I think and you are stupid for thinking differently, or This is what I want/feel, and what you feel/want is not important.

Passivity
Passivity involves letting others push you around, not standing up for your own thoughts and feelings, letting someone else choose for you/control you. Acting passively involves violating your own rights by not expressing yourself honestly, or by expressing yourself in such an apologetic manner that others can easily disregard your thoughts and feelings. By acting passively you may rarely experience direct rejection, but you may be taken advantage of–-and you may build up anger that can come up indirectly or against yourself. Passive behavior also includes times when you automatically disagree with someone even if you actually do agree. Passive behavior conveys messages such as: “I am not respecting my own needs”, “I don’t count”, or “My thoughts and feelings do not matter”.

Building up skills in identifying and managing one’s own anger is an important component of conflict resolution.