Is It Love or Stalking?
By Dr. Randi Fredricks, Ph.D.
If you want to learn about stalking, prepare to be surprised. Here are some research findings.
Women stalk men nearly as much as men stalk women. Men and women also stalk each other in similar ways.
Nearly 3 out of 11 people who break up will begin to feel or think they are being stalked.
On any given day, about one out of a thousand people may feel like they are being stalked. A true stalker can't stand to be ignored.
If they can't have your love they will settle for your anger and hatred. The worst thing you can do is respond and interact with
someone who may be stalking you. Why do they feel this way and what can you do about?
Despite a growing body of research in the past five years, stalking is still very misunderstood by the public, the courts and law enforcement.
For practical purposes there are three types of stalking. Relationship stalking occurs when a couple breaks up. But that is not
stalking in a legal sense. It just looks like and feels like stalking. Obsessional stalking develops because of the way the couple
interacted and the way they broke up. Obsessional stalking is a psychological problem that has many causes but in general it is
the result of an "on again" and "off again" relationship as was well as a "desire and fear of a relationship" in one person and "
fear of separation and loss" in the other. The childhood of at least one these people is usually emotionally barren or emotionally
abusive. Delusional stalking occurs when a mental disorder causes the person to become obsessed or fixated on some unsuspecting person
because of what amounts to a medical condition.
Nearly 90% of all college students who break up will engage in what is called "unwanted pursuit behavior". Pursuit behavior includes
writing notes, giving gifts, making phone calls, contacting friends, following the person or intruding in their life. This can border
and easily cross the line and become an obsession. What researcher’s find interesting is that pursuit behavior is normal.
If Jane dissolves a relationship with Dick, then it is very common for Dick to pursue Jane as a means to restore the relationship.
Researchers call this a "relationship repair mechanism." Some people and even the courts mistakenly call this stalking.
For some men and women it is an especially difficult task to transform a deep sexual and emotional bond into a mere friendship.
People with traumatic childhoods involving death and loss of a loved one have an especially difficult time. The person being "dumped"
will usually have the hardest time because they are either surprised, hurt or they are made to feel like their life and reputation is
ruined. Human beings have not found healthy ways to just stop feeling. They act to feel better in the moment and tend to disregard
or minimize the consequences and impact of their behavior on others.
There are differences between the way men and women stalk each other. More men than women engage in bolder forms of pursuit such as
showing up at a doorstep late at night "just wanting to talk". Men are less afraid to sneak around someone’s house to see if their
girlfriend is with someone else. Women generally do their stalking by day or in public.
Obsessive pursuit becomes stalking when it becomes scary and it is not mutual pursuit. Continuous following,
showing up on a person’s door step, entering their house or taking objects are referred to as intrusions. Obsessive intrusions
can alarm and scare people. Repeated and severe intrusions suggest the person may be obsessed or delusional. Taking objects,
mementos and property reflect serious problems. It is especially bad if a guy is taking the woman’s underwear. Women don’t
do that but they are more likely to take a man’s dog, claim they found the dog and then ask the guy to come get it.
Understanding the dynamics of stalking is the first best thing you can do to prevent it from happening. Keep in mind that a stalking order is essentially a restraining order and it does virtually nothing to prevent violence if the stalkers intends to do harm. Not all stalkers intend to do harm. Whether you have a stalking order or not, you need to take steps to reduce the risk of being stalked. Here are some helpful suggestions if you think you could be or may be stalked.
End the relationship together with the help of counselor.
Talk to a counselor to help you make sure that you don’t send mixed messages.
Agree to give each other a period of time with no contact.
Don’t talk to mutual friends or the other person’s friends about your relationship.
Avoid places where the other person will be for at least 30 days.
Go ahead and date if you want but don’t date the other person's friends or co-workers.
Get caller ID on your home phone and answer only safe numbers.
Get a cell phone, block your number and give the number to trusted people.
Document every contact and attempted contact with a time, date, witnesses and what happened.
Do not get into a pattern of being angry and then nice to the other person.
Say "no" only once, don't let them down "easy", reveal nothing about yourself, and say nothing else to explain or justify yourself.
There must be no contact of any kind under any circumstances if you think you are being stalked.
Mutual friends and acquaintances should not discuss the other person at all with a potential stalker.
Contact a qualified mental health professional if you believe you are at risk or if you are being stalked.
If you have a stalking order against someone, then you should never place yourself in proximity to that person or engage in anything that could be considered proximity seeking behavior.
Do not give the person any reason to think about you, talk about you to anyone or by going places where they routinely go as part of their life.
Researchers have found that about 1 out of 24 people who are convinced they are being stalked actually aren’t; about 1 out
of 49 people who are being stalked actually don’t believe they are. Now here is where it all gets interesting. Some people who
claim to be stalked suffer from what has been called "false stalking syndrome." This syndrome (a pattern of behavior) confuses
the public, the courts, law enforcement and even the friends of the so-called victim.
References (To view, roll mouse over the "References" heading; to hide, click on the heading)
Amar, A. F., & Alexy, E. M. (2010). Coping with stalking. Issues Ment Health Nurs, 31(1), 8-14.
West, S. G., & Friedman, S. H. (2008). These Boots are Made for Stalking: Characteristics of Female Stalkers. Psychiatry (Edgmont), 5(8), 37-42.
Dressing, H., Scheuble, B., & Gass, P. (2009). Prevalence and impact of stalking in psychiatric patients. Psychiatr Prax. 2009 Oct;36(7), 334-337.
Bird, S. (2009). Strategies for managing and minimizing the impact of harassment and stalking by patients. ANZ J Surg, 79(7-8), 537-538.
San Jose Therapy Counseling Psychotherapy psychotherapist therapist
