Love Addiction is just like any other compulsion except that it has to do with relationships. Because of the ‘love’ part of the addiction,
people often don’t understand the dangerous gravity of the situation. Love addiction is often perceived to be "less serious" than other process addictions i.e. compulsive sexual addictions, eating disorders or
self-harm / mutilation addictions. Perhaps because it sounds "softer." In reality it is extremely painful and can be very dangerous
to both the addict and their partners.
A person who is excessively attached to another person most likely carried those habits over from past relationships. The conditions in such past relationships left the person feeling inadequate or mentally and/or physically abused. Romantic relationships are not the only type that cause such habits to develop; they can also stem from any of the following conditions: lack of nurturing or attention during childhood, isolation or detachment from family, hidden pain, early abandonment, unrecognized early needs, fears of rejection, pain, and lack of love or hope.
A love addict has a fear of change. They will attach themselves to another person as to obtain that person’s identity for themselves. Having a very low self-esteem and lacking self-identity, the person chooses a mate or friend they would like to become. Crimes of passion, murder, suicides, and stalking, bloom out of these relationships. Homosexuality is another byproduct of this problem, as it’s easier to take on the identity of someone of the same sex. A love addict also has the need to control the relationship. They will use sex to get their own way or in exchange for love. He or she confuses sex for love,
Signs and characteristics of love addiction include:
Lack of nurturing and attention when young
Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family
Compartmentalization of relationships from other areas of life
Outer facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration
Mistake intensity for intimacy (drama driven relationships)
Hidden Pain
Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at any cost
Unable to trust relationships
Has an inner rage over lack of nurturing in childhood
Battles with depression
Highly manipulative and controlling of others
Perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, on a par with food and water
Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner
Feelings that a relationship makes one whole, or more of a man or woman
Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior
Intense need to control self, others, circumstances
Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems
Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty (sex, love or attachment / need.)
Using others, sex & relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain
Continual questioning of values and lifestyle
Driven, desperate, frantic personality
Confusion of sexual attraction with love ("Love" at first sight.)
Tendency to trade sexual activity for "love" or attachment
Existence of a secret "double life"
Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
Defining out-of-control behavior as normal
Confuses wants as needs
Tendency to leave one relationship for another. (Inability to be without a relationship.)
Replaces ended relationships immediately
Many of these symptoms are also elements of codependency and intimacy dsyfunctions resulting from childhood abandonment, emotional and /
or sexual abuse. For this reason treatment and therapy for love addiction often includes trauma recovery work.
The gaining of self knowledge is fundamental to intimacy. Facing our inner shame and emptiness is essential. Learning healthy ways to deal
with this pain and learning new and honest behaviors are a must.
Women who love too much are women who will keep investing in a relationship although all the signs tells them that they should move on.
~ Sophie Rinaldi
Take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.
~ Erica Jong
Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.
~ Carl Jung
Randi Fredricks, LMFT, CHT, RAS, CCN, CCH ♦
1711 Hamilton Ave Suite A, San Jose, California, 95125 ♦
408-315-0645
