When we are in the habit of ripping ourselves apart, we are likely to project our negative attitude on the people around us, holding them accountable to the same harsh judgments as we hold ourselves. Habitual judgments against others make us feel and appear arrogant and angry, stifling our relationships and making us appear less attractive.

These habits may be lurking under the surface, knotted so tightly into our routine we don't even realize they're there. To get more out of life, we need to learn about these draining, self-destructive mental habits and learn how to become more supportive towards ourselves.

Most of us have problems with guilt and shame, to one degree or another. Shame is an unrelenting feeling of not being wanted and of being unworthy of being wanted. This kind of shame is experienced whenever what you believe to be your "worthless", "inadequate", or "bad" self is threatened with being exposed and you feel in danger of being humiliated and rejected by others. Excessive shame is a prison. It keeps a person caged in feelings of worthlessness, self-hatred, and even despair.

There are several sources for shame, including our genetic and biochemical make-up, chronic depression, for example, our American culture, our families of origin, current relationships which are shaming in nature, and our own self-shaming thoughts and behaviors. It is very likely that excessive shame is what you're dealing with if you are extremely self-conscious and often feel unable to speak or act.

Shamed people often find themselves in awkward situations, wanting to escape but incapable of making themselves leave. Shamed people fear that if others really knew them, they'd be disgusted or hate them. People who have been shamed also dread being caught in a mistake of any kind. Some are constantly ready to see or point out the weaknesses of others, or often find themselves furious--inwardly or outwardly--over the slightest perceived affront to themselves or to their dignity.

At times shame and guilt are used interchangeably, but they are not the same at all - although it isn't unusual for both to exist simultaneously. Guilt is more concerned with doing something, with transgressions, while shame is about a perceived failure of being, being unworthy, unwanted or bad. Guilty people fear punishment. Shamed people fear abandonment.

Shame is not all bad, though. It can have great value if we are not overwhelmed by it. There would be no sense of privacy or intimacy without shame. Because shame is an uncomfortable feeling, a person who is not overwhelmed by it can use it to alter his or her behavior. Healthy shame tells us something is wrong in our lives and motivates us to change. Healthy shame is temporary. Excessive shame is not.